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| You can't just look at the future. You have to run towards it; feel it in your soul that you have succeeded in what you have made of life. You have to shed the skin they polluted, and never look back. I'm watching my gf's daughter, and I put on Go Diego, Go, and I'm writing my essay to get into Job Corps, waiting for a call back from Northeast Medical Center, and cleaning the apartment. I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the rugs, and cleaned my bathroom, I just have to clean my room. My cat is mad at me for locking her in my room, but the tot is terrified of cats. Like, she'll hypervintilate, and cry, and the closer my cat gets, the louder she screams. I'm thinking she'll get used to her after awhile. Winning against The Negative. | | |
| - Don't Fake This I made daily goals for myself on my calendar. Simple ones, but astoundingly positive. I can't take this prison anymore. I will grab onto my future with my own hands. I will also alter yours. | | |
| What makes you get out of bed? What helps you get through your day? What gives you the strength to carry through with your responsibilities? If I'm going to be alive, I want it to be on my own terms. I'm setting small goals that will lead me to my ultimate goal. What is my ultimate goal?
To be a land owner, an estrpreneur, and an artist. I want to do so much, but I'm being held back and depressed by living with my mother. I always feel like Im imprisoned. I still feel like I wish she would stop talking, or listen to me, and actually hear what Im saying. I just want to be freed from the ever-growing fog of negativity. My heart, body, mind, and soul cannot take it. I take nerve pills to calm dawn, because my muscles are always tense, and adhd medicine to help me focus; I take sleeping medicine to keep my sleep on schedule and fight my hate of sleep, and anti-depressants to keep my from being negative myself. I even stopped taking them for awhile to see what effect they had had on me. Without them I cant get to sleep, cant wake up, unmotivated to keep clean and be responsible, and reasonably happy. Ill finish later, im sleepy. | | |
| ...now comes in leopard print. ......... yea. I know you have all the other colors, and the ones for your dogs, so, just keeping you updated.\ Be Back Later | | |
| - Mad As Rabbits i never seem to know where to start,
how do i explain the scars on my heart?
how do i depart from the insanity;
the overflowing rage and passion in me. Today I realized I fight myself.
I dont accept and love myself.
How many years have I hated my own skin,
and avoided my reflection in the mirror?
The only time I see mysef is in my own head. maybe years of suppression has altered my thinking.
my main influence never having anything positive to say.
hating me, me hating you, me hating myself, me hating everyone else. your negativity has settled in me
and has been angrily breeding.
There has been nothing to free me recently,
stuck here under your claws,
as you put your eye close and
put detail into all of my flaws. I am a passionately positive person,
lost on the physicalities of humanity.
Its beyond me, below me,
just out of grasp. Youre driving me into insanity,
once again.
Youre voice laced with fake sweetwness,
a plastic smile on your face. I have never felt you loved me.
Never felt the motherly caring.
Everything of memory is never good. how do you expect me to respect you,
when you never give respect to me. my voice is drowned out everytime
I open my mouth to speak,
you never hear me,
unless Im yelling and screaming I have to scare you,
shout and break things,
mutiliate myself, and still
you never hear me. Part 1 End | | |
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